Thursday, August 25, 2016

Church Yard Sale and the Crazy Lady -- July 29, 2006

I really can't make this stuff up. Some of us are just blessed to have funny things happen to us all the time. I used to believe everyone had these kinds of experiences but after sharing my stories over the years I've learned that no, other people do not find themselves in these situations. Just me.

July 29, 2006

The Church Yard Sale and the Crazy Lady

Our church in Illinois was next door to an apartment building which we referred to as the high-rise. There were a lot of interesting characters living there. One man talked to his plants in the parking lot, another resident collected used cigarettes, one woman regularly went through the church dumpster to see what she could salvage, and yet another combed the street for metal shavings that would fall off of the Winchester delivery trucks. 

On the day of our yearly church yard sale the dumpster diver stopped to shop. She picked an assortment of items from several different tables and approached the check-out table to pay for them. I happened to be working the payment table and added up her total. 

"That'll be $2.50," I said.

She reached in her pocket and deposited twelve cents onto the table, "That's all I have."

My husband was standing nearby and he said that it was okay so I collected her money and she went on her way. 

I knew she'd be back.

She was.

This time she came up and gave me another $2.50 worth of treasures and pulled out thirty-two cents, again saying it was all she had. I repeated her $2.50 total to her and she took off a few items and tried to get me to accept the thirty-two cents again.  I added her items again and gave her the new total, she again took a few things off and I finally just told her she didn't have enough. 

She looked at me and huffed, which I found comical because, have you ever been huffed at? Seriously?

She then said, "I'll never come back here again," and stormed off. 

Ten minutes passed and she was back, demanding to know where her stuff was. I explained that we'd put it back on the sales tables.  She went hunting for her items.

When she got back in line she stood behind a woman making a four-dollar purchase. The woman handed me a twenty-dollar bill and said, "Keep the change as a donation to the church." 

This made an impact on crazy-lady. I added her items and told her it was one dollar.

She handed me one dollar and three pennies, "It's a donation to the church," she said.

Now let's skip forward a bit....

November 22, 2006

Our doorbell rang and on the porch was this same woman. She handed my husband a garbage bag and said, "Here's some really old dishes and antiques for your yard sale."

He thanked her and left the bag outside. Because, you know.

The next morning the doorbell was ringing at 6:35
He got out of bed to see who it was and it was her! 

He didn't open the door but she was probably wondering why her bag of donated goods was still outside. 

I didn't want to even look in the bag but did take a quick peek. Old plastic containers, a very used wood cutting board, and other questionable items. I knew I couldn't throw the bag in the church dumpster because she'd find it. I called the school my kids attended and asked if I could throw one bag of trash in their dumpster. 

Six miles away. Not a chance she'd find it there.

Poor Doyle 11/29/07

Poor Doyle. I don't know who this man is or what he did but he's got some people mighty upset.

It started several months ago, we'd get a random phone call asking for Doyle. I'd always say something like, "There's no one here by that name" or "Sorry, you've got the wrong number."

They were from collection agencies and law firms in Texas.

No problem, right?

The last caller thought there was a problem. 
Here's the call from a law firm in Georgia:

Me: Hello?

Man on phone: Can I speak to Doyle _____ please?

Me: I'm sorry, there's no one here by that name

Man on phone: Really.

Me: Really!

Man on phone: So you don't know Doyle_____?

Me: Nope, don't know who he is

Man on phone: Really.

Me: Really!

Husband (in background): We don't know the guy

Man on phone: THEN WHO IS THAT I HEAR?

Me: That'd be my husband

Man on phone: Really.

Me: Really!

Man on phone: And what's his name?

~Husband takes phone~

Husband: That is none of your business

Man on phone: (says something about him being Doyle)

Husband: We've had this phone for two years, I am not Doyle. This is the parsonage, I am the pastor of the church next door

Man on phone: You don't sound like a pastor

Husband hangs up.

Man calls back. We let the machine get it. Man calls back again, husband picks up.

Husband: Hello?

Man on phone: I'm sorry sir, you were right, we checked the number and it belongs to you.


My Name is Suzanne -- late 2008

Not technically from the Illinois archives but from late 2008

My name is Suzanne.

Not Sue.
Not Suzie.
Not Susan.


I like my name. I adore my name. I thank my parents for not naming me a common name. My sister has a nice name too. Lara.

Lara, as in LAH-RAH.

Not Lori.
Not Laura.


My parents say we weren't named after anyone but they did have two cats before they had two daughters. The cats were named Sua and Dara. Daughters are Suzanne and Lara. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Anyway, it annoys me when someone takes it on themselves to shorten/change my name. I've threatened to hit people. Haven't ever done it though, but there's always a first time.


What? Like you don't have things that bother you? 

So the phone rings at the church today.

"Good afternoon (insert church name here), this is Suzanne."

"Hi Sue--"

Okay. He's already lost me.

He's mumbling incoherently about something and I'm thinking, "It's SUZANNE."

"I used to come to your church a long time ago, do you remember me?"

"Um, no, I've only been here a few months."

I can't believe he called me Sue.

"Okay, I want to give my address to some people so I'll call back tomorrow. You just keep praying for me."

I said SUZANNE when I answered the phone and HE CALLED ME SUE.

"Okay, goodbye.", what was it that he wanted?

The Spinach Salad -- June 8, 2008

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Spinach Salad

We went out to lunch today at a local restaurant that was featured in season two of Alton Brown's Feasting on Asphalt. Pie Town Stompin' Grounds looked like a fun little local place and we looked it up online last night, perused the menu and decided to give it a go.

I suppose I am somewhat of a picky eater. I try to eat natural foods and I'm pretty conscious of what I put into my body. I ordered the spinach salad and asked for no croutons and no dressing. Easy order I think.

In a while the food came to the table and my salad was covered with bacon dressing. The waitress put it in front of me and said, "Oh they put dressing on that, didn't they?"

I said, "Yes, I wanted no dressing and no croutons. I don't want the bacon either."

She was a little "not all there" to begin with and apparently this request put her over the edge. She got all blank and said, "No bacon?"

I said, "No bacon, no dressing, no croutons. Just vegetables and the egg."

My family is happily eating away.

Several long minutes later the waitress came back and said, "We're out of spinach, can we give you the salad on regular lettuce?"

My family is now half done eating.

I said that was fine.

My. Salad. Never. Came.

Spacey girl met us at the counter when we got up to pay. Wayne said, "She never got her salad."

She said, "Yeah. I know. Sorry."

Wayne asked her to be sure she took it off of the bill. She just said, "Yeah. I won't charge you for that."

Unbelievable. If it's going to happen it'll happen to me.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

June 5, 2006 -- All The Way

Yesterday morning in church we had a couple visiting from Texas, they were celebrating their 62nd wedding anniversary. Wayne introduced them and congratulated them (from the pulpit) and then looked across the stage to where I was standing (worship team) and was talking about how awesome it was for them to have been married that long, then he asked me “Honey, how far will you go with me?” And I answered him, “All the way”

It wasn’t until a few seconds later when I realized what I had said and I turned to my friend next to me and said, “Did I just tell my husband in front of the whole church that I’d go all the way with him?”